I never once asked your intentions
So maybe I’m to blame
For never knowing
Exactly what you wanted.
I took everything you said
For exactly what I believed it to be worth.
But where I saw quarters, you had pennies,
And where I gave dollars, you took dimes,
And when I gave all my love,
You were counting useless change.
The fear is eating away at me,
But I will not let it swallow me whole.
I will fight
And I will resist
And I will not let it win this time.
I am learning and growing,
Trying and failing,
Leaping and landing.
I am the ocean’s waves,
Pulling in and pushing out:
Never once giving up,
Never once retreating.
Because I know there is a purpose,
I know there is a reason.
And though I know the pain
Of leaving the shore,
And the fear of never coming back,
I also know the beauty
Of touching the shore,
And those moments of collision.
And that will always be,
Must always be,
Enough.
You arms around me -
I had never felt
So comfortable
So safe -
And the minute they were gone
I missed the warmth
And felt the need
To fall back into them
Again and again and again.
I stood somewhere along the coast and watched the current pull in and felt my troubles wash away because with every tide I found I didn’t care about the problems in my head or the state they’ve put me in. I found that hope was always sitting deep in my heart and now it’s at the tip of my tongue I just never had the will to scream that loud. The words found themselves trapped at the back of my throat and I hadn’t until that moment realized what they were: I am free, I am hope, I am loved more everyday. And I’m coming back and screaming so loud, so loud, maybe all the world will hear and maybe the noise is all we need to make this all okay. Because without these words my pages are so blank and nothing makes sense when they’re empty, nothing makes sense when your soul is empty. Before this, every word had echoed your name and for so long that’s what I couldn’t say but I’ve learned that happiness is not your face and home is not a place but the peace in your heart when you finally find your faith.
I wrote this a while ago on my ~regular~ blog and I just found it and don’t know if I ever put it here, but I kind of like it a lot.
You say you love,
But I see nothing of the sort.
A hug or a kiss or a kind word
Once a day do not make up
The kind of love I hope for.Harsh words and bitter tongues,
All I hear is anger and disgust.
Words thrown as if they don’t
Pain, while I am the one watching
And feeling the jabs in my heart.I’m scared and confused,
No real idea of what love could be.
A grand gesture from a 1950’s movie
I don’t know the name of
Cannot be all that there is.
I have loved in the most wonderful way:
I was not guided by your hand
But reminded of my company.
Words did not always come easily
But they had a bit more meaning to them.
I never cried to you, never about you,
But for you.
But I also have loved in the most terrible way:
You only fought to tear down the wall,
Never stopping to wonder why it was built.
You always listened to my words
But I rarely heard questions.
The stars of our hearts collided
And we stood and watched them burn.
That’s when I realized
You didn’t care
You didn’t mind
Because you didn’t even know
And you’ll never know
My favorite color
Or why I loved that band.
The way I shake with nerves
Or the name of that wretched boy.
My reason for so many photos
Or why i cry so much.
You never knew
And you’ll never know
Because you didn’t stay
Long enough to learn.
They never stay
Long enough to learn.
I drown myself in tears
As I drown myself in words
That my hand didn’t write,
But I can trace the letters
From memory.
I lose myself in thoughts
As I lose myself in the sounds
Of music that my mind did not create,
But I sing along to every word
Upon first listen.
I live my life in a haze
As I live through the lives
Of writers I’ve never met,
But I speak of them
As though they are friends.
Not enough,
Never will be,
Ten years old,
Or seventeen.
My best efforts
Don’t measure up,
So why not try less -
It’s all the same to you.
So confused as to why
I’m so scared, so anxious
So tired.
Can’t understand how such a
Beautiful
Promising
Intelligent girl
Could bring the blood to surface.
“You’re immature,
Your best doesn’t cut it,
You don’t know anything.”
Cry that your baby’s broken,
Wonder why I have these issues,
And then scold me for
Claiming their existence.
County lines
Turned into state borders
And state borders
Turned into pointless turns
And pointless turns
Turned into the setting sun
And the setting sun
Turned into a new day
And a new day
Turned into a new life
Because I was so lost
And therefore
So found.
I could not remember when I had started driving
Or which sign led me to the other sign
Or which kind of tree had fallen and blocked the intersection
Or which traffic jam had me pulling out my hair,
But I remembered driving away
With the hope of getting lost.
And there I was —
Lost in a place that didn’t know my name.
Fitting —
I didn’t know its name either.
